California Beaches to Close on Sundays

SACRAMENTO – Due to grave fiscal concerns, today Governor Davis signed into law legislation that will close all California beaches on Sundays.

Speaking at a press conference, Davis defended his actions: "There's no way around this. It's a painful process; everybody's got to share in that pain. And since everybody uses the beaches, we decided thatwould be a good place to save some money."

Responsibility for the beaches entails regular maintenance of the physical landscape as well as providing the personnel to ensure safety for beach-goers."

Over my dead body they'll stop me from using the beach. Come on guys, get your priorities straight. What, like there aren't any more public schools left to shut down?!"

— Cindy Tinzel, Hemosa Beach resident

The reaction of Californians was mixed.

Up north in Santa Cruz, Knute Gangley — a nude sunbather and avid surfer — wasn't surprised. "It's karma coming back around. We take the water and the beaches and this whole earthly paradise for granted, so now we're going to miss it. It's like Joanie Mitchell said once, 'Sometimes you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.' Maybe we deserve it. Let's just hope they won't pave paradise and put up a parking lot to cover our past mistakes."

In the Southland, at Hermosa Beach, Cindy Tinzel is a self-described "religious beach bum." She doesn't quite share the sentiments of her northern compatriot in debt. "What a bunch of lousy crooks! Over my dead body they'll stop me from using the beach. Come on guys, get your priorities straight. What, like there aren't any more public schools left to shut down? If the state stopped buying needles and condoms for junkies, then maybe they could keep the beaches running. I mean, what is this administration thinking anyway?!"

Depending on how well the cost-cutting beach closure program goes, more days of the week could get the axe — at least until the state's budget finally turns around.

FUTURE SHOCK: The new look of Sundays at Manhattan Beach.