LOS ANGELES — If you're expecting to get a free ride for public school education in the Southland, think again. Starting with the 2004-05 school year, schools must comply with a controversial new state law or face elimination altogether. In short, each school must maintain its own oil derrick, which students will learn to operate.

 The program, being dubbed the "oil-for-education" initiative, was proposed as a means to help resolve the state's gaping deficit. Gov. Schwarzenegger, ever the well-oiled politician, supported the measure and greased himself all over the capitol steps at a press conference, encouraging kids to "Pump… it up — for the great state of California!"

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"It's high time that kids stepped up and did a little work for their education."

 —  Ron Enwright, superintendent
 L.A.-Unified School District

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"It's high time that kids stepped up and did a little work for their education," adds L.A.Unified School District superintendent Ron Enwright. "When society as a whole provides free education, it erodes the very fabric of our society. It's shameful in principle — practically communistic. I don't have kids, so why should I work my ass off to pay some snot-nosed kid's education? Besides, L.A. County actually has a grand history of drilling for oil, so it makes more sense the longer you think about it."

 But critics of the initiative claim it's important to have an educated public. They add that kindergartners could get crushed in the heavy machinery.

"The poor little dears," said one mother. "The thought of my Samantha out there, pumping oil in one of those generic, oversized yellow jackets… it's just too much — the colors are all wrong for her! This is a travesty! Besides, how am I going to get her to do her homework after she comes back from working the oil fields?"

 California's educational system was a source of pride for many years, but the pumping of oil by students marks a sticky, slippery new period in the history of the Golden State.

Vice President Dick Cheney, former CEO of the oil-infrastructure giant Halliburton, was on hand to cut the ribbon at one East L.A. school oil derrick. He managed to put a positive spin on the issue as he addressed elementary school kids: "Don't think of drilling for oil as work — it's actually fun… messy… sort of like finger painting. Plus, this'll put you all in good standing as future Halliburton employees. Someday — God willing — we'll send you abroad to exotic places like Kuwait and Iraq to help fix blown-up oil pipelines and put out cool oil fires!"