PASADENA, Calif. — Birds like Joe Mayberry, but he doesn’t much like them.  For the past year, every time Joe goes outside he's immediately swarmed by birds and they do their business all over him. Mayberry thought the whole thing was some kind of a fluke — perhaps some new flock of birds had moved into his neighborhood, or the birds were ill —  but when it happened time and time again no matter where he was, Joe realized he or the birds had some kind of a problem. “This has ruined my life,” said Mayberry. “I’ve lost my girlfriend, my job, and now I am agoraphobic. It’s like having a terminal illness."
Scientists at UCLA have taken some interest Joe’s problem, but they are at a loss to explain the oddity. “We tried several things, including having him dress up as a bird, but nothing has worked thus far,” said Dr. Greg Mendel, a professor of zoology. They say, however, that every cloud has a silver lining.  Joe has managed to make some lemonade out of his lemony predicament: he is now being hired to stand in parks and be shat upon. “They use me as a decoy when cleaning statues. They want to clean up Mt. Rushmore and they offered me some good money, so it looks like I’m going to be spending my summer in South Dakota.”

GARDENA, Calif. — When Bob McPherson saw an ad for a topless dancer job, the unemployed and large-breasted McPherson went and applied for it. But when the club, The Hungry Tiger, told him that they were only hiring women (without even seeing how well he danced), he decided to sue the club for discrimination.  McPherson won, and he is now shaking his stuff every night. “I was wrong to deny him employment,” says Bobby Rales, the club owner. “After we retrofitted the poles to accommodate his weight, things have been going surprisingly well. He really is a good dancer.” McPherson is now taking in five hundred a night and he’s getting offers to star in man-boob movies.  One patron concludes, “He’s got a nice rack and as long as you don’t look at his face or down south and you've had a lot to drink then it's just like watching a woman. Just make sure you don't try stuffing a one down his g-string.”