California drivers will now have to wait until they get to the office or back home before logging into their laptop computers. April 1st marks the addition of the laptop ban to the list of driver distraction offenses.  “As with cell phones and texting,” said Chief William Bratton, “drivers who don’t give a hoot and continue to compute should know they can be seriously compromised by such activities as checking email, working on Powerpoint presentations, and internet porn.”  The penalty for those caught is $50 for the first offense; the second offense allows police to impound the laptop until a $300 fine is paid.  “They’ll get the boot,” say Bratton. “That’ll require some seriously rebooting!”

BIGGS, Ca. — A candidate running for office in Butte County was brutally hackneyed to death by the incumbent. "All I said was the usual stuff," claimed state congressman Benjamin Corona (R—Butte). "'No new taxes… stay the course… guns are our birthright… a thousand points of light… schools are for education…' and 'prescription drugs for the elderly'… — that's my platform. Why should any of it be threatening ?" But according to those close to Corona's Democrat opponent, Linda Lomas, the sum total of Corona's cliches took a physical toll on Lomas while she worked the campaign trail. "After hearing him speak on T.V., she'd get these… chest pains," said her chief strategist, Dom Billingsly. "Each meaningless expression was like a sharp, sugar-coated ice cream cone jabbing into her heart. She was a very sensitive person — in hindsight, maybe she shouldn't have gone into politics to begin with. Still, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that Linda was hackneyed to death."

LYNWOOD, Ca - If you think living is expensive then you should try dying. The cost of funerals and burial costs have been skyrocketing - you can currently expect to pay a minimum of $10,000 for either - but an unusual L.A. cemetery has come up with a variety of ways to make dying more affordable.  The Ninety-Nine Dollars Only cemetery can get your loved one into the ground for less than one hundred dollars. But their bargain-basement burials are far from typical and may be a little uncomfortable for some.  Their cost-cutting measures include the use of mass graves, and they also sell body parts. They also make additional money by renting some of the corpses out during Halloween and for certain stunt work. Igor Srzabnyxz, a native of Hungary, owns and operates the cemetery and says he's getting so many bodies he's going to have to open another location. "Last week I had to put a twenty-five people in one grave," says Srzabnyxz. "I couldn't fit all of their names on the headstone so I just used the initials." And the company offers a cremation service too, but you might not exactly get your loved one's ashes back. "We use the bodies for employee barbecues. I got a little tipsy at the last one and lost track of who was in the there," says Igor.