boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-

 









 

 
 

New Star Gets Big Head, Explodes

HOLLYWOOD Rising star actor Brent Dahling had it made. At 22, his picture already graced the cover of many glam magazines and industry tabloids. His brat-like playboy exploits and ostentatious fashion were well documented. His calculated career projectile took him into the stratosphere of wealth and fame until he apparently couldn't handle the pressure and his head finally exploded, literally. Doctors who performed the autopsy on Dahling noted his "grossly advanced egodema," (swelling of the ego), which derives from a particular section of the brain known as Area 99. As one tabloid reported noted anonymously, "Dahling lived and died by his ego. He'll be dearly missed by some, and happily disappeared by some others."
[www.lalatimes.com 01-10-05]


Power Speaks Truth to Man
HERCULES, Ca. — After years of speaking truth to power, corporate whistle-blower and town resident Jon Evyrmann finally embarked on an email campaign to get Power to speak to him in return. Evyrmann had worked tirelessly for years, inquiring about the nature of truth despite Power's lawyers' objections to his arguments. Power finally reached out and spoke to Evyrmann directly, responding late last week to the man's request. Power simply said, "Shut up!"
[www.lalatimes.com 12-15-04]


Politician Hackneyed to Death
BIGGS, Ca. — A candidate running for office in Butte County was brutally hackneyed to death by the incumbent. "All I said was the usual stuff," claimed state congressman Benjamin Corona (R—Butte). "'No new taxes… stay the course… guns are our birthright… a thousand points of light… schools are for education…' and 'prescription drugs for the elderly'… — that's my platform. Why should any of it be threatening ?" But according to those close to Corona's Democrat opponent, Linda Lomas, the sum total of Corona's cliches took a physical toll on Lomas while she worked the campaign trail. "After hearing him speak on T.V., she'd get these… chest pains," said her chief strategist, Dom Billingsly. "Each meaningless expression was like a sharp, sugar-coated ice cream cone jabbing into her heart. She was a very sensitive person — in hindsight, maybe she shouldn't have gone into politics to begin with. Still, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that Linda was hackneyed to death."
[www.lalatimes.com 11-15-04]


South Los Angeles to Change Its Name Again
SOUTH-SOUTH LOS ANGELES — Not long after changing its name from South-Central to South Los Angeles to counteract a negative public image, a continuance of high homicide levels has forced the City Council to change the name again — this time to South-South Los Angeles. Residents hope that the new name will send a refreshing message that the former "South-Central" and "South Los Angeles" will finally be perceived as a kinder, gentler place — even if that's not the reality of the situation. Statistics for the month of August show a spike in homicidal activity, leading the City Council to call for an emergency "brainstorming and pizza" session for new names. One council member, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "It was fun. Hell, we'll change the name a hundred times until we get it right!" Asked by urban activists if the council planned on playing a greater role in solving such problems as education funding or unemployment, the council member shrugged and said, "A baby has got to use words before it can walk, right? Well, it's the same with a city."
[www.lalatimes.com 09-03-04]



Skirball Championships Begin Today
I405 — After a fierce playoff season, the Skirball championships will pit the Encino Enigmas against the Brentwood Warblers. "What the Hell is Skirball, anyway?" is a common question that Warbler team captain, Hemp Strång, fields all the time. "In short, it's a cross between lacrosse, water polo, football, frisbee golf, curling and Go Fish. The team to get the most shingles across the bric-a-brac gets two spillikin and wins the ormolu. You can either try a lobolo, a pashm, or even a genuflection—whatever does the trick… as long as you avoid claptraps and horripilation. Generally, the idea is to have a couple of good bootlickers on offense, and several lunarians on defense is certainly advisable. Oh, and if you get tagged, you have to go to the barracoon. But really, it's all much simpler than it sounds."
[www.lalatimes.com 02-15-04]

Model Dies, In Vain
HOLLYWOOD — Supermodel-wannabe, Phoebe B., died in vain early this morning after she broke out with an acute case of acne. Apparently disheartened by her altered image, the teen went to a store, bought a dozen tubes of Clearasil and ingested all of them. Worried that the tubes might make her fat, witnesses say she threw them up before remembering that she was committing suicide. She then fished them out of the toilet and downed them for good. One close friend remembered Phoebe B. as "one of most obsessive, self-centered and uncompromising people I ever met. She's totally the kind of person who'd rather kill herself than be second rate. You gotta respect her for that — it's what I really loved about her."
[www.lalatimes.com 12-15-03]


Actor Phones in Performance—Literally
HOLLYWOOD
— Film celeb actress Keesha Knightly wasn't physically present for her role in A Streetcar Named Desire at L.A. Theatre Stages West, but that didn't stop her from phoning in her performance from a trendy restaurant. Knightly claims she had previously booked "an important dinner date with a producer" and said that she couldn't break the date merely to make the performance. Asked why she took on the role to begin with, Knightly responded, "Look, these theatre types take it all way too seriously! So I missed one night — ooh, you'd think the sky was falling! Look, my stupid agent said that expanding into theatre would give me more depth as an actress and more clout in the industry. Boy, was he wrong! I can't wait 'til this gig ends. It's like they really expect you to memorize all these lines! Yeah, right — no fucking way." Knightly's cell phone died halfway through the performance and angry ticket holders stormed the box office and took back their money.
[www.lalatimes.com 03-01-04]


LAX System Shutdown Part of LAX TV Show Marketing Campaign
As if there weren't enough drama in the series premiere of LAX, the show's marketing department bribed two technicians to instigate a "communications problem" at the actual airport and cause it to come to a standstill — all to boost ratings for the series. The TV show features the daily chaos which airport officials (played by Heather Locklear and Blair Underwood) must contend with. In the series opener on Monday, airport personnel must get the airport up and running in order to get the governor safely on the tarmac. On Wednesday, the actual governor wasn't as lucky after the 3-hour shutdown kept his plane from landing for a scheduled fundraiser in Los Angeles. Asked about NBC's involvement in the marketing stunt, executive producer Nick Thiel said, "Hey, bad attention is better than no attention."
[www.lalatimes.com 09-16-03]

 
 
BE SURE TO SEE ALL OF THE NEWS SHORTS!

New Star Gets Big Head, Explodes

Power Speaks Truth to Man

Politician Hackneyed to Death

South Los Angeles
to Change Its Name Again

Skirball Championships
Begin Today

Model Dies, In Vain

Actor Phones in Performance—Literally

LAX System Shutdown Part of LAX TV Show Marketing Campaign