boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-

 









 

 
 

Men Communicate Via Passing Gas
STANFORD, Ca.
—— Anthropologists have tracked a reiterative farting sound to a group of Danish men who have been using the Morse Code-like "ticks and raspberries" to secretly communicate with one another in a primitive language. The men developed basic sentences, sent via "squeaky high and grunting low noises" to other men in the group. Often their communications were about women sitting near them in settings such as cafes, libraries or restaurants. Kermit Wing, an anthropologist who lived among the group for nearly two years, studied their nuanced language and even learned to use it himself. "It's not as difficult as you'd think, even for an anal-retentive such as myself" said Wing. "I'd say it's comparable to acquiring control over a trombone or kazoo." The Great Danes (as the men referred to themselves) were unable, however, to use their language to attract women, as the mere use of it was enough to repulse the women they sought. [Annals of Anal Research, Stanford University journal.]


86% of Sheriff's Canines Prefer Minorities to Dog Food

The California-based Minority Reporting journal has found that 86% of L.A. County sheriff's canines preferred minorities to dog food, and recommended that the so-called Minority Meat Beat Unit reconsider its training procedures. During the 1990s, the majority of dogs preferred meat of all colors and ethnicities, but there has been a steady increase since 2000 of a "strong preference" for "dark-meat minorities" over both white meat as well as standard dog food. "We don't bias them to go after any particular type of people," said canine unit officer Ingrid Islingschnauzer, "but if truth be told, they just really prefer the taste of those African-Americans and Latinos. I can't explain it, they just do. It's sort of a dubious honor to taste so good — like chicken." Indeed, African-Americans scored highest in canine taste tests, with Latinos coming in second, Asians third, and Caucasians at the very bottom of the list.



Four-Out-of-Five Men Can't Do Four-Out-of-Five Tasks at the Same Time
SAN FRANCISCO —— From The Journal of Multi-tasking and Plenty of Other Things, a CaliTech-based publication: Four out of five men can't do four out of five tasks at the same time. A group of men were given an increasing number of tasks to test their multi-tasking abilities. Most of the men could walk, chew gum, hold a conversation and twiddle their thumbs at the same time. But when a fifth element was added — such as facing their conversational partners — most of the men fell completely apart and had to discontinue all their tasks. In a contrasting study by the same scientists, four out of five women couldn't focus on a simple task when within 100 yards of a shopping mall. A group of women were given a task of "fish or cut bait." The women were perfectly able to make decisions in a neutral environment, however, when a glass window revealed a shopping mall 100 yards away, the women became overwhelmed, and 80% of the woman could no longer stay on task.


Study Shows "Portable Jails" May Be Viable Alternative to Steel and Concrete
SANTA MONICA, Ca —— "A lot of our state's prisoners really don't need the complete security of traditional jails. It's overkill." says Slim Schenkins (D - Whittier). "It boils down to supply and demand. With so many inmates and so many of these portables, this legislative act provides a natural and painless solution for taxpayers and politicians alike." But while advocates noted how overcrowded schools have built extra classrooms on playgrounds with no negative consequences, critics questioned the comparison and logic of housing dangerous inmates in such low-security facilities. Legislators were quick to point out that death row inmates would not be eligible for the portable jails. Speaking at a news conference, the governor cited a study by the journal Penal Reformation which stated: "74% of inmates said that, if housed in a portable jail, they would not flee." "Desperate times call for desperate measures," said Schenkins about the late-night legislative session. "But this at least puts us in the right direction. Look, it was late, we were tired; we had to do something or our constituents would accuse us of being irresponsible."
[www.lalatimes.com 09-03]

See full article:
California Unveils "Inflatable Jails" To Trim Deficit


Teenagers —— Butt What About Knowledge?
SAUSALITO, Ca —— A new study published in the education-related journal Dubious Scholastica shows that 63% of California middle schoolers couldn't tell their ass from a hole in the ground. "It's a disturbing finding," admits think tank analyst Zbig Elavsky, who headed the study titled Teenagers — Butt What About Knowledge? "I mean, this is more basic than reading, writing and arithmetic." Asked what might be done to remedy the situation, Elavskyrski responded, "Beats me. Maybe some sort of holistic learning could help them identify what a hole and what's their ass." The study's team is planning a follow-up study with those same middle schoolers who failed the first study. The new study will monitor the kids' choices and behaviors when put between a rock and a hard place.
[www.lalatimes.com 09-16-04]


Study Shows 93% of Studies Are Self-Evident
SANTA MONICA, Ca —— A new study by the Institute for Applied Studies of Studies revealed that 93% of studies are "repetitive, self-evident and obviously obvious." The study was the result of a 59-month, $9 million effort by dozens of PhDs in the fields of Sociology, Psychology and Statistical Studology. "More than nine times out of ten," the Institute's publicist Randy McDowell explained, "the results of any given study are, well, in laymen's terms: a no-brainer. In addition to finding this out, our findings also found that, in short, these reports are, in truth, 'largely long-winded and predominantly pointless' — not to mention a waste of money. Whoops. Can we scratch that and leave it at long-winded?"
[www.lalatimes.com 01-15-04]


See also:

Study Suggests Juggling While Driving
Could Be Dangerous

 
 
DON'T MISS THESE OTHER CALIFORNIA STUDIES, TOO!

Men Communicate Via Passing Gas

86% of Sheriff's Canines
Prefer Minorities to Dog Food

Four-Out-of-Five Men Can't Do Four-Out-of-Five Tasks at the Same Time

Study Shows "Portable Jails" May Be Viable Alternative to Steel and Concrete

Teenagers —— Butt What About Knowledge?

Study Shows 93% of Studies Are Self-Evident