boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-



Environment & Weather

Los Angeles Annexes Vermont,
Imports Autumn

The City of Angels has embarked on the world's largest tree-transplant project in a bid to acquire seasons. Vermont files suit amid allegations that L.A. manipulated the milk market to drive down the cost of farmland in order to buy real estate for a pittance.

By George Wolfe

LOS ANGELES — Southern Californians broke ground today on a landmark plan that will finally compensate for the lack of seasons in this region. In so doing, they got a little piece of old New England — namely its illustrious trees.

The ambitious project involves transplanting about 93.4% of Vermont's famous maple trees, moving them via freight trains, then regrafting them in clear, climate-controlled domes throughout Southern California, including areas that were devastated by the recent spate of fires. While the urban areas of Vermont were not acquired in the deal, L.A. is now the legal, majority owner of Vermont.

"Every year, those Green Mountain people hoard all the good autumn colors. Now we get a turn!"

Veronica DuBois,
San Fernando Valley resident

Despite bragging rights to some of the best weather in the country, the unmitigating want for seasonal variation has always been — up until now — the Achilles' heel of the Southland. But as with the 1930's purchase of the San Fernando Valley to acquire water rights, that never stopped Los Angeles before.

Anonymous sources in city government say that L.A. has long been aware that having no seasons, combined with typical big-city problems, could lead to a perception that it's not such a liveable city, thereby causing an exodus of residents. Thus, the city's stewards had been eyeing several New England states to fill the seasonal void before it ever became a real issue.

Sam Donaldson, who made his fortune through a chain of hair transplant clinics, headed the commission, "Fall Into L.A." Speaking about the annexation, Donaldson noted, "It boiled down to either Vermont or New Hampshire. In the end we felt that The Green Mountain State had the superior foliage — and of course the best maple syrup, too. This'll enhance our region and do for Los Angles what Rogaine did for balding men everywhere!"

The largest tract of trees is a section that begins near the Ventura County line, will cover the hillsides of the entire San Fernando Valley and extend up to Studio City, where Universal Studios is constructing a new amusement park entitled simply "Fall, Land."

"It's only fair," says valley resident Veronica DuBois, "Every year, those Green Mountain people hoard all the good autumn colors. Now we get a turn! I'm always tortured when the Fall catalogs arrive — seeing all those healthy-looking, goody-goody Puritans playing in the crisp leaves and having so much fun. I'd try to wear those same outfits, but they just never looked quite right against a backdrop of Agave. Let them keep Burlington. But now, if they want some Fall, they'll be the ones who have to get in a car and drive to another state to experience it!"

Needless to say, Vermonters are not pleased with the deal. With virtually all of the rural farmland bought up, former landowners are suing the city of Los Angeles on grounds that it introduced silicon into the cow population and spread false information about the benefits cow diets. The suit argues that these actions struck a serious blow to dairy farmers who went bankrupt and were forced to sell the farms for next to nothing. The city denies those allegations.

Jim McIntyre is one farmer who's pissed off and not going to take it any more. "Those damn Californians! They're just a bunch of cowardly, greedy, all-consuming bastards! What's next: Winter Wonderland?!"


Traffic has a new look in the Southland.

SPRING FORWARD, FALL BACK: Maples like this one will be maintained in climate-controlled, clear domes.

The I-15 interstate to Vegas is a route that will benefit from the massive tree-transplanting venture.

COMING TO TAKE THEM AWAY: Trucks with giant spades like these were used to transplant trees and put them on westward-bound trains.




ISSUE # 10

Dog Meditation: All the Rage in L.A.

Los Angeles Annexes Vermont, Imports Autumn