The Los Angeles mayor’s dramatic new plan to cut down on traffic congestion includes a controversial new program that will destroy messy traffic obstructions with the zap of a laser beam. 

The flying unmanned drones, designed by a secret robotics wing of LucasFilms LTD, will patrol Los Angeles freeways, seeking out dropped cargos, prolonged car crashes and other freeway impediments.  The hovering drones will then eradicate the blockage in question so as to better facilitate traffic.  The program is known as FLOW (Freeway Laser Obliteration Workforce).

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“Traffic light adjustments can only take us so far.”
— Antonio Villaraigosa, Los Angeles mayor

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Already, there has been a widespread and enthusiastic response to the drones from the San Francisco and San Diego communities, as well as Sacramento politicians who want to decrease gridlock in districts across California.  Plus, the new weapons look cool.

“Traffic light adjustments can only take us so far,” said Mayor Villaraigosa, “but these brave bots will combat our severe traffic problems unemotionally and ease the Southland into the 22nd Century of traffic congestion solutions.” 

“It’s about time someone did something about the traffic,” said one commuter, Denny Wayne. “People who can’t get out of the way fast enough will learn a tough lesson: Hurry up or be shut up — for good.  I’m a fast, defensive driver, so I’m willing to bet that won’t be me.” 

But the ethics of traffic obliteration are not without their gray areas.  The drones are largely untested, and there are alleged glitches in the software that have issued instructions to fire on cars parked too long near major roadways, pickup trucks being fixed in driveways and even slow-moving farm vehicles and elderly drivers.    

“I was fixing a flat tire up on the 101 freeway," says Hank Hernial, one unfortunate dronekill victim.  "I didn’t have all the tools I needed, so it was taking a while.  Suddenly, this robot-flying-saucer-like-thing comes screamin’ out of the sky at me.  I jumped into the bush just as it demolished my car!  Now my insurance company’s tellin’ me it doesn’t cover 'drone hits,' and that the new law claims it’s my fault!  They're saying that it's: 'Move it or lose it.'  Well I'll be damned.”

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Note: This article is satirical.  For more California news satire, visit: www.lalatimes.com.