boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-




Lakers Sign Fetus

In a bid to rekindle its dynasty for future generations, the Lakers became the first team to sign an unborn child — make that two — to their team. Shoe company Nike also jumped on the bandwagon and inked a deal with the African twins' parents, worth $100 million over 18 years.

By George Wolfe

After being trounced in the NBA finals by the Detroit Pistons, the Lakers' management wasted no time in the off-season by acquiring fresh new talent — very fresh. Mbuktu and Mbikti Zbwabe, of Kenya, are only in their 8th month of gestation as fetuses,yet ultrasound measurements put them each at about 16 pounds. By contrast, Shaq O'Neal was only 13 lbs. 9 oz. at birth. Lakers team physicians are already monitoring the Zbwabe twins' kicking reflexes to gauge their jumping potential.

"Even though none of us have met the Zbwabe twins, we feel like we already know them. We're sure they'll be an excellent acquisition."

Mitch Kupchak,
Lakers General Manager

The Los Angeles Lakers are the first to break the "birth barrier" in professional sports. The signing of the Zbwabe twins, done on their behalf by the parents, comes on the heels of last year's signing of LeBron James by the Cleveland Cavaliers. James, now 20, entered the N.B.A. from high school and wasted no time in capturing the rookie of the year award.

"Even though none of us have met the Zbwabe twins," said Lakers General Manager Mitch Kupchak, "we feel like we already know them. We're sure they'll be an excellent acquisition down the road. We believe in the farm league approach — that it's never too early to map out the next generation of Laker world dominance. It doesn't matter that Kobe could be in a wheelchair long before the Zbwabes ever wear a Lakers uniform. We want to start with a fresh slate."

Asked if the twins' youth would present problems for the team, Lakers owner Jerry Buss said, "We're used to infantile behavior. No, I don't see it as a problem. At the end of the day it's about winning and continuing the dynasty at all cost."

The twins' father is a goat herder, and is reportedly being paid in goats for now; later, say the Lakers, the family will be compensated in cows, and finally in cash. Asked to comment on his future sons' contract, the father spoke through an interpreter: "Goats good, we happy — Go Lake!"

The twins' parents were all smiles as they participated in a Nike photo op to preview a new line of basketball shoes, called "Zbwabe Air Kenya."

Meanwhile, other teams were not at all pleased about the Lakers upping the ante for drafting NBA players. In fact, longtime rival San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popavich turned in his notice of resignation, saying "What the hell?! I quit!"


.ALL SMILES: Nike Spokesman, Shubert Schmelling, inked a landmark contract for the unborn African twins.

DOUBLE TROUBLE: Mbuktu and Mbikti Zbwabe may look frail and lanky now, but they're bound to give new meaning to the term "power forwards" and re-define the meaning of "collective bargaining."



ISSUE # 19

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Lakers Sign Fetus

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