MIRACLE MILE — Spotted in a relatively untapped, peat bog section of the La Brea tar pit, she was naked and frozen in time, unknowingly taking a final drag on her primitive cigarette.  Her anxious hands still clutched the last of a long line of rugged "shopping carts" that she used to collect and hoard typical Iron Age objects such as iron purses, bronze halter tops and glass bottles.

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"Finding this aboriginal bog shopper might provide clues as to why women love to shop so damn much."
— Richard Kepler, forensic apologist

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A call went out to archaeologists, for this was no Wooly Mammoth.  No, this perfectly preserved bog body specimen represented the embalmed testament of a mythic line of North American female foragers who predate modern shopping mall women by nearly 2,000 years. 

Some called her Mall Girl.  Others called her the Bog Lady.   Still others called her the Boggy Bag Lady.  Names aside, what's undeniable is that she could be the missing link scientists have been looking for.



"Finding this aboriginal shopper might provide clues as to why women love to shop so damn much," says forensic apologist and amateur ping pong champ Richard Kepler.  "This backs up the theory that their mates, these strong Iron Age men (predecessors of the modern Iron Man competitors), intentionally killed themselves when they realized that the dawn of the Shopping Age was upon them and that it spelled the end of their dominance. This was a real stone-in-the-temple blow to these men.

"And as the archaeological remains of Baggy Bog Lady suggest, we now believe that after being taken on endless circular shopping walkabouts in the peat bog wilderness, that these poor men must've seen how things would unfold over time— maybe they even had visions of shopping malls.  In short, these bog people must've seen the writing on the cave and committed mass suicide, rendering this particular homo sapien line extinct."