It is a common occurrence to hear of single mothers bearing broods of twins, quadruplets, and octuplets (above and beyond their other litters!).  With such prodigious numbers of land urchin in arms, they are forcing the debt-steeped state to fund recklessly fertile breeders. This allowance is the latest indication of lax ethics weighing us down. Whoever could find a method of turning these ankle-biters into debt-busters would deserve the public’s praise, would he not?  In short: Can we clear out that $40 billion?  Absolutely!

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"The lynchpin is not to halt the irresponsible practices; rather, we step up these births and use them to our advantage!"     — J.B. Dove

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I have mulled this vexing problem, and developed a practical, sensible, and humble little proposal.  Hard times call for creative solutions, but we must think positively.  My proposal yields $50 billion (more than enough!).  But how to get the most bang for those green young bucks?  The lynchpin is not to halt the irresponsible practices; rather, we step up these births and use them to our advantage! Californians understand fighting fire with fire.  I shall now flesh out my sincerest thoughts, which I am confident will not be met with the slightest objection.

For starters… the Chinese — did you know they fetch $30,000 per adopted child?  Why is America not in this market? Let us enlist knowledgeable, opportunistic doctors to implant thousands of ‘Super Omega-8 Embryo Eggs™’ into the wombs of the destitute, that we may reap bounteous, lovely and prolific crops.  If we managed the assets of this new cottage industry prudently, we could alter our import-export ratio by boosting exports $3 billion.  This will certainly help our state and our Great National Problem!

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"Let us skim a healthy portion and transition them to where they and their labors will be appreciated.  For the state: $3.5 billion."      — J.B. Love

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Then, let us expand this program to be age-inclusive.  We have sadly viewed our elderly as an encumbrance, as Medicare absconders eating us out of house and home with food stamps and Social Security.  But some countries put a high value upon these pensioners for their wisdom.  Let us skim a healthy portion (50%) and transition them to where they and their labors will be appreciated.  It’s win-win.  For the state, I figure $3.5 billion.  Even during depressions, people pay premium rates for human resources.

It was recently disclosed that 20% of LA County residents receive public aid.  That’s two million (the size of small countries!).  If we can convert the heartier ones — those in their prime — into exports, they should command even higher sums than those advanced in years.  Another $2.5 billion.  The same for all those sub-primers (those who haven’t yet fled) who are dragging us down.  We have eight of the ten worst real estate markets in the country!  Many structures sit vacant, trashed. We should compress them into logs that could cheaply warm the hearthy homes of more resourceful homeowners.  Home recycling could net $1.75 billion, and will keep us from importing foreign oil.

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"I suggest a profound reorganization; after all, organ donation is highly profitable."     — J.B. Dove

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Medical care is a perfect area for entitlement nips and tucks.  The number of uninsured ER throngs and free-riding Medicaid dependents is mind boggling and boondoggling.  I suggest a profound reorganization; after all, organ donation is highly profitable. If each ER/Medicaid client donated even one body part (kidneys, lungs, eyes and testicles come in pairs anyway), then lucky transplant recipients would be happy to fork over top dollar.  Sure, it might require a PR campaign — “Don’t be mean, give a spleen” — but we can always play the patriotic-duty card.  I’m certain you will agree: This is the type of social security we can live with: $25 billion.

But what’s Plan B if these rabble are too selfish to give of themselves?  Ah, the homeless! These greasy-grimy loafers push their wares down Main Street (whole armies in the Golden State!) like Mother Courage.  Let them no longer be forgotten.  If we look beyond the superficial, many are quite sound on the inside.  If we gathered up this flock of ours and launched a mandatory organ donation program (of all reuseable parts), who would care?  Reduce, reuse, recycle.  They get to offer something tangible to society, and we develop a more efficient, holistic and mindful methodology.  But what of remnants?  — we should not waste.  They can play yet a further role, a fundamental one, in the new green economy: Biofuel.  If they could just be distilled, they could fuel the next generation of Americans!  Now here is a truly sustainable plan that shouts “Go Green!” from atop the earthship.   Another $8 billion.

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"...whether baked, broiled, grilled, roasted, deep-fried, seared or sautéed — they all work well — and I don’t doubt that smaller portions, prepared in a blender, would create a rather sublime smoothie!"     — J.B. Dove

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Then again, let us return to those octuplets, for I fear we have not fully embraced their potential — some younglings may languish in clearinghouses, never to be selected.  That would be a shame.  But fear not, for I have been assured by a famous Southland food critic who has traveled to the aboriginal stretches of the earth and sampled the most remarkable foods, that a lean, vanilla soy-fed young child, fourteen months of age, is a most tantalizing (and healthy) morsel, whether baked, broiled, grilled, roasted, deep-fried, seared or sautéed; and I don’t doubt that smaller portions, prepared in a blender (one that handles stiff mixtures), would create a rather sublime smoothie!

Equally amazing is being able to provide a low-cost source of 100% organic food!  To ensure high eco-standards, the vealicious darlings must be allowed to freely crawl the shag-carpeted range and carefully reared in cozy group hutches, assuring adequate socialization (and no hormone additives are necessary beyond their God-given ones!).

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"My proposal may be rough love (but that only shows how much we care).  It may be taxing to some.  Still, whatever party you ally with, we must all come together."     — J.B. Dove

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Now, the bleeding hearts will allege that I am being Draconian — that this is the typical mean cuisine of that Limbaugh coulture.  But that is not me.  I am an independent thinker.  Yes, my proposal may be rough love (but that only shows how much we care).  Yes, it may be taxing to some (but they will know the burden we feel).  Still, whatever party you ally with, we must come together with resolve to trim the largesse and wean ourselves from that ever-tempting adversary: the emotion of Pity!  Reader, I implore you to fight those impulses.  Do not stop up your ears, your hearts, or your stomachs.

Octuplet farming is not just good for you, but it will boost blue-collar jobs by putting butchers, packers, truckers and infrastructure types to work.  Pink-slipped auto workers could be cross-trained into this exciting new field.  And restaurants, too, in retail, who have seen a loss of patrons, might tickle consumer palettes and open clammed-up purses by creating new delicacies: “Stir-fry baby buttcheeks with quinoa and a tiny pink toe garnish, served pu-pu platter style and accompanied by a frisée salad décomposée with a pee-pee reduction on a bed of mesclun.  And for dessert, a swollen homeless ankle salt-cured and slow-cooked in a tangy maple-barbecue sauce.”

I profess wholeheartedly that I have not the least personal stake in these programs (except the satisfaction of seeing them realized), having no motive but the public good of my state (and country) that we may creatively advance our possibilities, thus relieving the overburdened taxpayer and enabling him to make an unfettered living through his entrepreneurial innovation and rugged individualism.  I earnestly and humbly request your participation in this worthy endeavor.  May God bless the Great State of California, and the United States of America!!!

Goodnight and Amen.