The Los Angeles mayoral race is so dull to begin with, and so upstaged by the weather, that the candidates are coming up with eye-catching, weather-related strategies to get the voters’ attention.
LOS ANGELES – In a desperate attempt to capture headlines and woo voters in the upcoming mayoral vote, the candidates are using increasingly novel strategies to bring the spotlight to the race.
One candidate, Antonio Villaraigosa, in consideration of the deluge of rain this winter, is building an ark. That’s right, an ark. Villaraigosa staged a press conference at the ark in Highland Park, where he and his staff could pose for photo ops while assembling it and herding stray animals to put on the ark.
"300 cubits long by 50 cubits wide by 30 cubits in height – with a built-in swimming pool on board."” —
Press Release, Villagairosa's campaign
Asked to explain how the ark is relevant to the mayoral race, Villaraigosa said “This is the ark of the candidate! Cecil B. DeMille had a real hit with that Moses-parting-the-Red-Sea stuff, so I figured this is in keeping with the moviemaking history here in Southern California. So it fits, see? And with that big cat running around Simi Valley, it was just like one of those ideas whose time has come.”
As to whether or not the epic ark project could be completed and used in time for the next floods, Villaraigosa responded, “I think you’re missing the point.”
A press release about the ark says that it will be “300 cubits long by 50 cubits wide by 30 cubits in height – and have a built-in swimming pool on board.” Angelenos are requested to bring forward “two of every kind of creature” to put upon the ark.
Not to be outdone, mayoral candidate Bob Hertzberg has given up on traditional press conferences and begun a temporary gig as weatherman, under the pseudonym: "Sunny Bob Stormberg.” Since donning the new identity, Hertzberg’s campaign is seeing a 36% rise in his ratings.
In fear of being left by the wayside, candidate and former police chief, Bernard Parks, has launched an ingenious “lottery” where people can bet on which houses will slide down a hillside next. Proceeds will go to the LAPD Legal Defense Fund.
And incumbent mayor James Hahn is going around town with nothing more than a dunking booth and a thong, giving L.A residents a chance to “dunk the mayor” by throwing mudballs at his booth. A slogan over the booth declares, “Don’t throw me out. We’re all in it together!”
Asked if the candidate shenanigans are getting out of hand, Hahn said, “Not at all. These are all very important issues. The voters are showing that they really do care.”
Asked the same question in private, the mayor said, “It sure as hell is!”
Metro
