TOPANGA CANYON, Calif. — Scientologists, proctologists and humans everywhere are confronting hard, cold truths.

L.Ron Hubbard, who began Dianetics and The Church of Scientology, postulated that we are all  aliens waiting to be liberated from their human bodies.  But that's not shaping up to be true.  Rather, it's being revealed that Scientologists were only being manipulated by aliens to spread out and take over the Earth.  Scientologists were selected for their proseletizing nature and their ability to spread like a virus.

The aliens have set up a base camp in Topanga Canyon, the site of repeated UFO sightings, alien probes, and sock, eyeglasses and car key abductions.

"God, I feel so used," said one Scientologist who goes by her celestial spirit name, Thetan w444@*^, "like I've been sleeping with some creepy guy all along."

And proctologists the world over have always assumed that they've just been doing their jobs.  But aliens have seized upon proctologists as a vital tool for implanting alien spores that will, in the end, produce a breed of super aliens who will hatch and emerge from their human/corporal coccoon skins, kill all humans and clear the way for alien domination.

"Well that's a real blow to humanity," says proctologist Phil Caavity, "and we played right into their plan." 

Non-scientologist and non-proctologist humans everywhere are pissed off.

"I always thought those Scientologists were a little kooky," said one anonymous homo sapien, "but I didn't think they'd be so stupid as to accidentally bring down the whole damn planet!  I swear, if it weren't the end times, I'd sue the hell out of them!"