VENICE, Calif. — The Son of God remembers the exact moment that he found Himself.  “I was lost, just strolling along the Venice breakwater when a guy from one of those Christian surfing groups starts in about being 'saved.'

"I told him who I was, and he actually believed me, saying, ‘Look dude, until you accept Yourself as You, me and my group just really suck, you know?’  In that one simple comment he convinced me to walk with Myself — and it wasn’t long before I found the New Me, the dancing, laughing, surfing Jesus.  Everything’s been cool ever since.”   

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"Who could bear everyone’s personal baggage, let alone their own?  I never asked to be the Son of God, you know.”
— Jesus Christ, Superstar

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Jesus admits that, after his being sacrificed on the cross, his relationship with his father had been a bit rocky.  “Yeah sure, I felt abandoned.  Next thing I know my dad is sending me here again for the Second Coming. I acted out: letting my hair grow into dreadlocks, getting all kinds of piercings and tattoos, smoking a helluva lot of dope with a stoner named ZigZag up in Malibu.  I drifted from one odd job to another until I ended up at the Venice Beach boardwalk, where I knew it was OK to be a Jesus freak.  Keep in mind, I hadn’t been around for two millennia, so boy was I shocked.” 

After his conversion, however, Jesus claims to have scaled down his rule — from the entire universe to the more manageable world of surfing and West Coast beach life in general.  “Basically, I tuned in and dropped out of the whole God thing… the omnipotent, let’s-run-the-whole-universe shebbang.  It’s tired, it’s been done — way too political.  Who could bear everyone’s personal baggage, let alone their own?  I never asked to be the Son of God, you know.”       

Some of His newly revised sayings for his more personal religion based around surfing include:

• Thou shalt not steal another’s wave.
• Wax your own board first, only then can you wax your neighbor's.
• Do not covet your fellow surfer’s chick.
• Fun in the sun, my will be done… on earth as it is in water.
• Gnarly waves, holy waves.
• Do not take my name in vain!

Apart from a few friends knowing about his true identity, Jesus successfully maintained his big secret until one fateful surfing competition.  Judges noticed that one contestant slipped off his board but still managed to run along the water.

Eyebrows were raised, calls were made — the gig was up.  It was inevitable. 

“Dad really got pissed off and knocked me off a wave,” recalls Jesus, "He's just so angry, all, like, fire and brimstone, wrathful stuff... it's such a totally negative vibe.  Look at the world these days — with all due respect, the guy's really overdue for some universal counseling."

Though He spends more time than he likes doing interviews, Jesus still spends much of his time teaching surfing.   So what is it about surfing?

“It’s like: To everything there’s a season, but with surfing… you can do it whenever!  So stop praying for me — just pray for waves!”