Dear family and friends,

Greetings from the Schwarzenegger family! Fröhliche Weihnachten! We hope that this Christmas season finds you happy and healthy and in better shape than we are.

2005 was not my best year. As you know, my attempts to reform the great state of Kaleefornia (ha-ha) failed and I must now kiss up to all those girlie men in Sacramento. In the true spirit of Christmas, however, I'm turning over a new, muscletoe leaf and putting all those bad feelings behind me. In fact, that's my New Year's resolution: Forgive and forget.

And it's my sincere hope that the scabby unions who backstabbed me — those lazy teachers, and greedy firefighters and policemen — will do the same. And of course those nurses. (Talk about ho-ho-hos!) Yah, forgive and forget, that’s what I say.

Maria and the kids are fine.  We had such a great time flipping the switch on the Capitol Christmas Tree last week that I couldn’t resist flipping another switch (so to speak) this week. What an injection of joy into this special season — executed perfectly if I must say so. Wunderbar!

How about my trip to China? The Chinese adore me!  I’m so strong there because they stay focused on the good old days of my favorite movies like “Junior” and “Hercules in New York”. I should run for premier of China; I've always been comfortable with premieres. They don’t have anywhere near the number of do-gooders or special interests that I have to put up with here. At least the Chinese know how to handle their do-gooders. In fact, China's looking pretty good, the more I think of it. (Note to self: See if it's possible to be top dog if you're not born there.)

But enough about me...

What's with Warren Beatty?  What a dummkopf, huh? Have you seen how he is just trying to copy my success in politics?! Get a life, Warren! Go join your other Hollywood Hills commie pinko elite flip-flopping spineless hippies — but stay out of politics, because I… WILL... BURY... YOU. Mark my words: I'll be back. Just because I got defeated in one stupid little election doesn't mean I can't squeeze your head like a zit.

In fact, he's just like that Kennedy worm in the Senate. (Sorry, Maria, my liebchen, but you know it’s true.) The man just can't keep his big fat Boston clamtrap shut, can he? Spouting off against true patriots like Bush, Cheney and Rove. If I were president, my first act would be to publicly tar and feather traitors like Kennedy on the steps of the U.S. Capitol. After all, the only good Democrat is a humiliated one. 

Now that would make the founding führers proud!

Hasta la vista, Jesus baby!!

The Terminator & family

 

[a.k.a. George Wolfe & Randy Gold]

P.S. Get a spiffy printed version of this letter (.pdf format).