ALPINE VILLAGE, Calif. — While most of us have been sitting around worrying about the impending bird flu pandemic, a much more serious flu bug has crossed into the Golden State and has Californians crying fowl and yodeling their guts out.

This new flu is being called the Bavarian Turd Flu (BTF) — until a more acceptable name is chosen.  Center for Disease Control scientists believe that BTF was brought to California by a group of touring Bavarian musicians at California Octoberfest venues.  Lead accordion player, Fredrich Berbeicherscheißen, was the first to get the illness when he consumed one of his bandmate’s bowel movements after a night of heavy drinking; he apparently thought it was a bratwurst.

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“After the fits of inappropriate yodeling, the victim typically gets a rash from the agitation caused by polka dancing."
— Dr. Edie Coli, L.A. County Department of Health Services

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The next morning band members awoke to Berbeicherscheißen madly and uncontrollably yodeling.   “We thought he was just being enthusiastic,” says band mate Otto Stürmundrang.   But Berbeicherscheißen was exhibiting one of the first symptoms of the rare pandemic disease.

Dr. Edie Coli of the L.A. County Department of Health Services explains, “After the fits of inappropriate yodeling, the flu victim typically gets a rash from the agitation caused by polka dancing — thus the name: polka dots.  Other victims have been known to break into the chicken dance, another popular activity at Octoberfest celebrations.  Then comes very serious diarrhea that squirts out in a distinctive “oom pa pa” rhythm.  The only thing that seems to stop this rare disease is standing on one’s head while drinking a pint of pilsner beer and whistling the pop song Neunundneunzig Luftballoons.” 

Public health officials are advising California residents to limit contact with German musicians — and, to be safe, not to handwash the underwear of people of German descent.  The Department of Health Services’ slogan for treating the BTF pandemic is: “There’s a germ in every German!”  Residents are also being advised to contact police if they notice anyone wearing lederhosen, yodeling or saying "Gesundheit" too much.

Several of the Octoberfest touring groups are now under barbed-wire quarantine for the pandemic here at Alpine Village until a Zeppelin can be acquired to send them back to Bavaria.