LARKSPUR, Calif. — What could be better than California neighbors banding together every year to bring kids healthy food for Halloween?  Well, that depends on who you speak to about this annual Marin County ritual.

“Must we wreck our children’s teeth to have fun on Halloween?” says neighborhood activist, Kitty Goldenseal. “We feel we've trained the kids in this neighborhood to have a refined palates.  We’re all better off for it — it frees us all from sugar and allows us to focus on our Godless, pagan roots.”

Houses on this block are notorious for offering kids bowls of sprouts, lima and soy beans, wheatgrass and avocado lollipops, and nutritional yeast bars.   They also entice children to partake in games like bobbing for tofu.

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"It frees us all from sugar and allows us to focus on our Godless, pagan roots.”
—Kitty Goldenseal, neighborhood leader

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 “We hate Kitty and her earthy-crunchy pals, and we throw eggs at them every year,” said neighborhood trick-or-treater, Sunny.  “None of our friends from other neighborhoods ever come here to trick-or-treat.  Never!  Those... witches force all this horrible food down our throats.  Our friends make fun of us and beat us up.  Every year it’s really scary — really traumatic for all of us.  They’ve essentially wrecked Halloween for us!”

But Kitty claims that the kids are “just acting out.  They’ll thank us later for it.  Believe me.”

“Yeah, when Hell freezes over,” says Sunny.  “I’ll never forgive them for destroying our childhoods!”

“Sunny said that?” responded Kitty.  “That’s odd.  He’s usually so docile… a real pushover.  He must’ve been snacking on candy.”