Big Sur, Calif. — Though many different tools have been used for alternative body therapy and healing — such as herbs, sounds and crystals — nothing leaves quite the same impression as a trusty power wash.

Advocates of the new holistic body massage technique laud the deep-tissue cleansing approach and swear that nothing shy of a fireman’s hose or a baseball bat rids the body of unnecessary toxins like this technique does.

“It really blew me away,” swears Norm Wittgenschleim, who lasted five minutes before screaming like a baby.  “I’ve never been in such sublime body pain in all my life.  It’s about five times as painful as getting rolfed, and they get you squeaky clean, too.  I feel positively awful — like a punching bag or a sack of sand.  The Ire Vedic® Body Therapy really works miracles!” 

Dr. Sri Anaconda Baklava developed the full body technique when he noticed that political protesters who had been pummeled by powerful water cannons felt very relaxed afterwards, as their carcasses were dragged away from the scene of protest.

“What we have seen,” says Baklava, “is the very humbling release of endorphins in the face of severe physical stress.  This type of suffering creates a direct path to the godhead, through the purging of one’s anger — or ire — as manifested in the body’s various biles.  Thus, my Ire Vedic® deep tissue therapy takes care of all that, you know, crap.”