Wal-Mart Acquires California
in Hostile Takeover

It was known that the retail behemoth would enter the California market in a big way in 2004. But most people, including Governor Schwarzenegger, were completely surprised by the company's bold move to run the world's sixth-largest economy.

By George Wolfe

SACRAMENTO — Wal-Mart, the world's largest company, is now the proud owner of the most populous state in the U.S.— and the world's sixth-largest economy. Management at the Arkansas-based company acknowledge that it successfully completed a hostile takeover of California, which the company says will be renamed Cal-Mart.

— Gov. Schwarzenegger

Governor Schwarzenegger was offered a position as a regional manager.

"Actually, we're quite fond of Schwarzenegger's lean managerial approach, which is why we made him this job offer," said Wrenshall. "It's just that we know from our own track record that, as a corporation, we can do even better."

Company officials acknowledged that Schwarzenegger's new job would pay $9.39/hour, slightly more than the barest of wages offered to most Wal-Mart employees.

Appearing on the steps of the state capitol, Schwarzenegger stood by a teary-eyed Maria Shriver as he issued the following statement: "My fellow Californians… today I stand before you as a happy member of the Wal-Mart Corporation. I cleaned up state government as best I could, but I'm only human. Now, it's the era of Wal-Mart — the ultimate terminator. I fought hard, but was defeated by their finely tuned machinery. Wal-Mart Republic über alles!… über alles!!… über alles!!!…"

Schwarzenegger's eyes turned red and he emitted a puff of smoke before spontaneously combusting.

Wal-Mart management declined to speak about the incident, nor would it confirm allegations that it was next considering a takeover of China, the world's seventh-largest economy. Instead, it issued the following press release: "China?! That's totally preposterous! That'd be a step down. Now Japan — that's a different story!"