Wal-Mart
Acquires California
in Hostile Takeover
It was known that the retail behemoth would
enter the California market in a big way in 2004. But most people,
including Governor Schwarzenegger, were completely surprised by
the company's bold move to run the world's sixth-largest economy.
By George Wolfe
SACRAMENTO — Wal-Mart, the world's largest
company, is now the proud owner of the most populous state in the
U.S.— and the world's sixth-largest economy. Management at
the Arkansas-based company acknowledge that it successfully completed
a hostile takeover of California, which the company says will be
renamed Cal-Mart.
" I cleaned up state government as best
I could, but I'm only human. Now, it's the era of Wal-Mart."
— Gov. Schwarzenegger
"We were fixin' to just open up a whole
slew o' them superstores," said spokesman Rita Wrenshall, "but
the state and its government were just so darn inefficient that we
couldn't pass up such a golden... er, state... opportunity. Sure,
there were a few nay-sayers, but all in all the negotiations went
pretty smoothly."
Governor Schwarzenegger was offered a position
as a regional manager.
"Actually, we're quite fond of Schwarzenegger's lean managerial
approach, which is why we made him this job offer," said Wrenshall.
"It's just that we know from our own track record that, as
a corporation, we can do even better."
Company officials acknowledged that Schwarzenegger's new job would
pay $9.39/hour, slightly more than the barest of wages offered to
most Wal-Mart employees.
Appearing on the steps of the state capitol, Schwarzenegger stood
by a teary-eyed Maria Shriver as he issued the following statement:
"My fellow Californians… today I stand before you as
a happy member of the Wal-Mart Corporation. I cleaned up state government
as best I could, but I'm only human. Now, it's the era of Wal-Mart
— the ultimate terminator. I fought hard, but was defeated
by their finely tuned machinery. Wal-Mart Republic über alles!…
über alles!!… über alles!!!…"
Schwarzenegger's eyes turned red and he emitted
a puff of smoke before spontaneously combusting.
Wal-Mart management declined to speak about the
incident, nor would it confirm allegations that it was next considering
a takeover of China, the world's seventh-largest economy. Instead,
it issued the following press release: "China?! That's totally
preposterous! That'd be a step down. Now Japan — that's a
different story!"
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