SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Many Southlanders these days are buying their fruits and vegetables at their local farmer’s market; people prefer locally grown, organic produce. While most of these farmer’s market vendors rely on cow manure or other similar fortifiers to help grow their produce, Brian Smeckel, a Santa Monica Farmer’s Market regular, has his own, and according to him, better method of enriching the soil: Smeckel uses his own manure and urine to help grow his crops. 

As disturbing as this may seem, his produce is a big hit. “I’ve never been big on toilets and I am trying to do what I can to stop global warming, so it makes a lot of sense on a lot of levels,” says Smeckel. “I don’t have any diseases and I eat well, so my s*it is really good sh@t.” Smeckel sure ain’t shi#ing about that: his fertilizer, he calls it “Brian’s Blend,” won the grand prize at this year’s Minnesota Manure Fest.

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"I am not big on toilets and I am trying to do what I can to stop global warming..."
- Brian Smeckel, organic farmer

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While some farmer’s market shoppers were initially concerned when they learned of Smeckel’s method, the Health Department has given Smeckel’s business an A rating and an inspector even licked a large cucumber in front of a crowd of shoppers to assure them that Smeckel’s produce is safe.

“Why should dirty animals dominate the fertilizer business?” said the inspector. “Brian’s s*it is more powerful and safer than theirs and he has the trophy to prove it.” And Smeckel is also now selling his famous fertilizer alongside his produce at the farmer’s market and he has just announced that he’ll be releasing an improved version of Brian’s Blend in September. When asked by this reporter what the improvement is Smeckel replied, “Well, let’s just say I get a little frisky when I’m doing my business in the garden.”